Chapter 13

Darren crushed Emma against his chest, pressing her back against the peeling wallpaper, but his lips were gentle, barely grazing hers. His mouth brushed over her eyelids, her cheeks, and her jawbone, trailing kisses down her neck and across her collarbone. His lips were hot against her skin, but shivers coursed in waves through her entire body.

She shuddered when his hands glided under her T-shirt and across her lower back. Her knees gave way, and she clung to him for support. As she lifted her mouth to his again, her cell phone rang across the hall—Andrew’s ringtone.

She pushed Darren away and tried to squeeze past him to the doorway, but he grasped her arm. “Don’t go.”

“I have to get that. It’s Andrew.”

He kissed her again, mumbling against her lips, “Call him back.”

She pushed him away again. “No, I have to go. I think it must be really late.”

He released his hold and stepped out into the hall. She hurried past him into the nursery, digging her phone out of her purse just as a text message beeped in. The screen read 6:03—two hours past the time she was supposed to pick up her mother.

She touched the screen and viewed the message. “Where r u? Its time 4 dinner.”

She tapped out her reply with shaking fingers. “On way now. Running late. Sorry.”

Darren followed her to the front door, but she didn’t pause. “I’m sorry,” she called over her shoulder. “I have to go now.”

“Emma? When will I see you again?”

“I don’t know,” she answered, in a voice that was probably too low for him to hear.

She dropped into the driver’s seat, fumbling as she fit the key into the ignition. The car started on the first try, and she jammed the accelerator to the floor, bouncing so hard in the ruts that her teeth clacked together.   

The spray of pebbles when she hit the gravel road forced her to slow down, but her thoughts still careened hysterically. Was Ellen still at the cleaners? Was Andrew home alone? What if he called Joe? What excuse could she give for missing the end of Ellen’s shift?

At this point, she couldn’t give any excuse because she didn’t know the number for the cleaners, and her mother was the only person she knew who still had no cell phone.

She stopped the car and laid her head on the steering wheel, clutching her hands into fists so tight that her nails cut into her palms. A wave of nausea swept over her, followed by an icy dread that was even more overwhelming. She’d made an impossible mess of her life, and there was no escaping the consequences. Everyone would know her shame, and she’d be alone.

A sob caught in her throat as she realized she wanted Joe.

***

“You’re coming home tomorrow?” Joe’s voice wrapped around Emma like her favorite nightgown, familiar and comfortable and normal.

“Yes, I’m just ready to come home. I’ve done all I can at Rachel’s house.” And some that I shouldn’t have.

“Well, I’m glad you’re coming, glad you miss me–”

“Oh, I do. I miss you, Joe.”

“But can you really get ready to go that fast? What about the car? Has Robert looked it over?”

“Uncle Robert brought Andrew back this afternoon, and the two of them spent the whole evening working on the car.”

Andrew, who was lying on Rachel’s bed, set down his Gameboy. “Tell him I helped change all the fluids, and I checked the tires.”

“Did you catch that? I was proud of Andrew. He was a lot of help.”

“Give him a pat on the back from me. Oh, and tell your mom we have a buyer for the car.”

“We do?” Emma patted Andrew’s back and then started scratching when he lifted up his shirt and wiggled his shoulders.

“Yes. Remember Alan in HR? His daughter just got her license, and the Tempo fits her needs and their budget.”

Although she could hear Joe’s weariness, she wasn’t ready to let him go. She went over all the arrangements she’d made, including buying a soft carrier for the dog and helping Ellen put together snacks for the road.

When they finally hung up, she sat on her bed for a long time without moving, marveling over all the lucky circumstances that had worked in her favor. First there was Andrew’s phone call and text message; without that she surely would have…. She shuddered.

Then there was the voicemail her mom had left earlier in the afternoon, explaining that Uncle Robert would pick her up from work when he brought Andrew back, so Emma could stay at Rachel’s longer if she needed to.

She’d made it home just as Ellen was setting the last of the funeral leftovers on the table. Emma chattered on and on about finishing the nursery, and if anyone noticed that she was hardly eating, no one asked any questions.

So no one else knew what she had done. And no one will ever have to know.

Even so, her guilt weighed heavily on her shoulders, and the nausea she’d felt in the car still lingered. She wished she could talk it all over with someone who would understand.

She knew she had to get some rest for the long drive, but Rachel’s journal was calling her.

                Monday 8/2/93 AM
I told Evan I can’t see him anymore. I still couldn’t give him a reason, and I could see that I’d hurt him.

“What about the other night?” he said. “Are you telling me that meant nothing to you?”

I couldn’t tell him that his kiss meant way too much to me. But what am I supposed to do? Our relationship can’t go anywhere without hurting Emma, and I can’t end it without hurting Evan.

If I have to choose, I’m choosing Emma. I only hope my sacrifice matters. I want my sister back.
                 Monday 9/13/93 PM
I’M PREGNANT! Oh, and I slept with Evan. Obviously. I did manage to stay away from him for about two weeks, but then we got thrown together at the company picnic.

Casey brought beer, and I had a couple cans. (It was gross at first, but then not so bad.) I don’t think I was drunk, but I did have enough to make it hard to remember why I was staying away from Evan for a sister who was never his girlfriend and who won’t even talk to me.

When he sat down at the table where Amy and I were sitting, I couldn’t concentrate on my baby back ribs—even though they were so tender they melted in my mouth. Other people came and went around us, but I didn’t notice them at all. I guess it was around 6:00 when we looked around and realized almost everyone was gone.

Evan asked if I wanted to hang out, and I opened my mouth to say no, but instead I heard myself say, “Sure.”

Of course we weren’t hungry, and there was nothing good at the movies, so we ended up just driving around and talking until Evan’s tank was almost on E.

He asked me if I needed to be anywhere, and I said no. Then he parked in an empty cul-de-sac at the end of a new subdivision. Isn’t the rest pretty obvious? We sat on the hood of his car talking for maybe an hour, but I can’t remember what either of us said. I think Evan said, “This is nice” before he finally kissed me.

When he led me to the backseat, I knew what was coming, and I thought about saying no, but by that point I felt almost like an observer. I wasn’t caught up with passion, just curious to see what it felt like to do something wild.

It was so disappointing! It was awkward and painful and… sordid. It happened in a CAR for crying out loud. I didn’t feel special or in love. Afterward, I felt empty and utterly alone despite Evan’s arms around me. I stared up at the sagging headliner and wondered if Emma would ever forgive me. I decided then that she must never find out.

But now there’s no hiding it, is there? Emma’s the only one I could talk to about something like this, but what could I possibly say to her?

Oh, God! What am I going to do?
 

Stunned, Emma actually looked around for someone to share her shock with. Andrew had fallen asleep, his hand resting on his beloved Gameboy, and it was too late to call Joe. Would her mother still be up?

She found Ellen at the dining room table, sipping chamomile tea and reading the local paper.

“I thought you’d be asleep,” Emma said.

“You should be asleep. It’s going on midnight. Should I make you some tea?”

“Please.” She followed Ellen to the kitchen. “I was reading Rachel’s journal.”

Shifting from one foot to the other, she watched Ellen pour her a cup and dip the tea bag.

Ellen carried the steaming mug back to the table. “So what did you read? I can see you’re bursting to tell me something.”

“Did you know Rachel was pregnant before she got married?”

“Hmm. Not officially, no. She never confided in me, but of course I suspected it with such a sudden wedding. Didn’t you?”

“No, it never occurred to me. I always figured they’d been dating a long time behind my back. So Rachel never said a word about it?”

“No, not until years later. But I think she wanted to. She was very awkward around me. I almost asked her about it a couple of times, but I figured I’d let her decide if she wanted to talk about it. It made me sad that she didn’t think she could confide in me.”

“But she did tell you about it later? When? Did she have a miscarriage?”

Ellen smiled. “I guess you’ll have to keep reading and find out for yourself. But not tonight. You need some sleep. It’s a long drive ahead of you.”

Emma pulled out the dripping tea bag and set it carefully on her saucer. “So you’re really not going to tell me anything?”

“Hush up and drink your tea.”

Emma took a sip and grimaced, licking her burned lip. “You’re no help. Thanks for the tea, though.”

She accepted a hug and then shuffled away, trying not to slosh the tea.

Her mother’s voice stopped her at the bottom of the stairs. “What happened between you and Rachel?”

Emma turned to face her. “It was Evan. Do I have to tell you the whole story?”

“I know you were hurt when he chose Rachel. I can understand that. But why couldn’t you guys talk it over and put it behind you?”

Out of habit, the usual defensiveness rose up, but Emma had no energy left for anger. She shrugged. “I don’t know, Mom. I wasn’t even mad at her. Well, maybe at first. Mainly, my pride was bruised. I wanted her to apologize for hurting me, but she never did. The more time that passed, the bigger the chasm seemed.”

Ellen sat in the recliner and set her tea on the side table. “Do you know how much I longed for a sister growing up? When we had two girls only a year apart, I was thrilled. Watching your friendship develop was such a joy.”

Emma set her untouched tea on the windowsill and sat on the third step, drawing her knees to her chest. “Tell me more.”

“Even when you were still a baby yourself, you always looked out for Rachel. And she looked out for you too. I could really see it when your dad died. The two of you put a wall around each other, locking the world out. It was a relief for me in some ways because I didn’t know how to be what you needed.”

“You did your best. We knew that. We didn’t want to make it any harder for you.”

“You were so young. I should have tried harder.” Ellen paused to finish her tea. “As much as it hurt then to be on the outside, it hurt more to watch you two drift apart. I wish I had sat you down together and made you talk it out. But I didn’t want to butt in. I figured you’d work it out eventually.”

“I thought we would too.”

Ellen moved to the step below Emma and put an arm around her waist. Emma slid to the base of the stairs and laid her head on her mother’s lap. They sat that way, Ellen combing her fingers through Emma’s hair, until Emma’s feet fell asleep.

“I’d better get to bed,” she said, and helped Ellen to her feet.

Ellen took both her hands. “Emma, Rachel knew you loved her.”

“Did she?” Warm tears splashed onto Emma’s cheeks.

“Yes, I believe she did. You guys shared too much for that connection to ever be broken.”

Emma buried her face in her mother’s shoulder. “Thanks,” she murmured.

Ellen swatted her behind. “Now off to bed with you!”

***

As Emma waited for sleep, she realized she felt much better than she had an hour ago. It was good to know she wasn’t the only one Rachel had feared confiding in. And it was even better to know that her sister would have understood her guilt perfectly, just as she now understood Rachel’s turmoil. Only seventeen years too late.

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