Chapter 16

For two days, the three of them were a happy family. They took Trixie for long walks, during which she strained against the leash and lunged at every dog they passed. Emma drug out the dusty Monopoly and Life games, and they ate buttery popcorn while they played.

But Joe had to fly out again on Monday morning, and Emma had to return to the office and catch up on two weeks of work.

In the evenings, she curled up on her wedding quilt with Rachel’s journal.

Thursday, 6/29/95 PM

Emma’s getting married! I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend. (Why should that surprise me?) From what she told Mom, it sounds like they’ve only been dating about three months, but she’s known him a year or two.

It crossed my mind that she might be pregnant, but the wedding is still almost two months away, so probably not. It also crossed my mind that this could be our opportunity to put the past behind us. I pictured myself helping Emma with her hair (okay, watching her do her hair), and helping her put on her veil.

But then Mom said they’re flying to Hawaii for a tiny ceremony on the beach, just the two of them. Of course they are! How convenient for Emma; now she doesn’t have to explain why I’m not her matron of honor.

Well, I hope she’ll be happy. Maybe she’ll be able to let go of her anger, and we can be friends again.

Emma smiled over Rachel’s suspicion about the reason for her short engagement. The truth had been far more practical. After Joe’s proposal, which wasn’t so sudden considering their close friendship before they’d started dating, Emma suggested getting married before the start of senior year. That way they could get family housing on campus, have a nicer place to stay, and save some money. It all made perfect sense.

As for the wedding in Hawaii, Rachel’s assessment was probably accurate, though Emma would never have admitted it at the time. To Joe, she’d said, “Better to spend a couple thousand on an amazing vacation than blow triple that on a big wedding that will be over in two hours.”

Hawaii had been even better than she’d imagined, yet tears still burned in her eyes at the ceremony. Despite Joe’s hand clutching hers, loneliness weighed her down. In all her wedding fantasies from the time she’d been a little girl, Rachel had always been at her side, wearing a dress almost as gorgeous as her own.

She closed her eyes tight against the vision of Rachel and leaned in to kiss her new husband just as the blazing sun slipped into the water. I’m not alone, she thought. And I don’t have to be alone ever again.

Sunday, 11/26/95 AM

Emma came home for Thanksgiving Wednesday night, but she only stayed until Friday. It was the first time I’d seen her since she got married.

Joe seems like a great guy, very funny, but serious about taking care of Emma. He’s obviously head over heels for her, but she doesn’t seem to see him. I’m not even sure if she loves him—or maybe she does, but she just doesn’t know it yet.

Uncle Robert asked them when they plan to start a family, and Emma almost choked on her turkey. She said they have to graduate, pass their CPA exams, find jobs, and buy a house before they can think about babies.

I’m sure that’s exactly how it will go, too. Everything always happens according to Emma’s plans. Must be nice.                 

Monday 1/6/97 PM

Joe and Emma both passed their CPA exams, on the first try. Joe told Mom he couldn’t have done it without Emma’s help studying. They flew to Dallas last week for interviews at an accounting firm, and it looks like they’ll be getting offers.

It hurts to think of Emma moving so far away. I guess there’s not as much opportunity around here, but does she really have to move all the way to Texas? It’s like she’s trying to cut me out of her life completely—not that we’re seeing much of each other anyway, but this way it’s easier to put me out of her mind.

On a happier note, I’m starting student teaching this semester. I’ll be at Northwood in Nappanee, teaching 10th grade English plus 11th-grade Honors English. I’m so nervous!

How could Rachel read her so well? Though she’d never said it out loud, getting away from Rachel had been a major factor in her decision. Joe had been leaning toward a job in Fort Wayne, only two hours from his family and an hour and a half from hers. But Emma had campaigned for Dallas, where they could make more money and get far away from small-town life.

Monday 9/8/97 PM

I’m officially a teacher! I was hoping to get on in Nappanee, but there were no openings. So I’m starting in Elkhart—8th-grade English. My classes are huge, with over 30 in two of them. Oh, I hope I can make a difference….                

Wednesday 10/15/97 PM

School is wearing me down. These kids hate to read! And they won’t write. I had all these grand visions of sharing my love for literature, but that’s not happening.

I come home each night completely wiped out, but I still have to make dinner and clean up (some days I do). Evan’s working long hours at the factory, and he’s even more exhausted than I am.

I reminded him that the factory job was supposed to be temporary, and now that I’m out of college he should get back into pre-med. But he says now isn’t the time. He wants to save for a house.

Speaking of houses… Mom says Emma’s new house is fabulous: five bedrooms, four baths, and a wall of windows with custom treatments. But the house isn’t the biggest news. She’s 10 weeks’ pregnant! I guess that’s why they bought the house.

Joe got a promotion, which will come in handy, but he’s doing a lot of traveling now. That doesn’t bode well for their marriage in my opinion, but then who am I to talk? Evan and I are still practically roommates.

Looking back, Emma realized Rachel was right. Even though she’d never been passionately in love with Joe, their first year had been happy. Moving to Texas had given her a chance to reinvent herself, and she loved her new life. But things had started to turn once Joe had taken the auditor position.

She knew it wasn’t fair, but she began to resent being alone in their grand new house, with only her hormones and her moods for company. When he was home, she was sharp with him, and then just distant.

She looked around her sumptuous bedroom now. Did she really need all this? Had it been worth the sacrifices?

***

Joe got back in town just in time for Andrew’s first day of junior high. He and Emma took off work early to take him out for ice cream after school, and they ate their cones in companionable silence while Andrew chattered about all his teachers and his new routines.

“We don’t have to walk in lines anymore!” he exulted. “And we can sit wherever we want at lunch…. But the teachers said there will be lots of homework.”

“Better get right on that,” Joe said.

“There’s no homework on the first day of school, Dad.” Andrew’s voice cracked on the word Dad, and Emma exchanged glances with Joe. He laid his hand over hers on the table and squeezed her fingers gently.

When Emma was brushing her teeth that evening, Joe wrapped his arms around her and pressed up against her back. Nuzzling her ear, he said, “Our son is becoming a man already. What do you say we try and make another baby?”

She spat in the sink and wiped her mouth, avoiding his eyes in the mirror. He tightened his grip. At last she looked up at their reflection. “I’m too old for another baby, Joe.”

He kissed the nape of her neck. “Thirty-six isn’t old.”

“I don’t mean I’m too old to have a baby. I just don’t think I have the energy to manage all those diapers and sleepless nights again—by myself.”

Joe let his arms drop. “Of course. It was just a thought. A stupid thought, I guess.”

“Not stupid,” she said, “just…” But Joe had already left the bathroom.

He pulled back the wedding quilt and settled into bed, his back facing her. She knew she should make some move to draw him back, but she didn’t know what to do. So she flicked on the lamp on her bedside table and opened Rachel’s journal.

Thursday 11/6/97 PM

I’m pregnant! I wasn’t even thinking about getting pregnant again, but as soon as I found out I knew I wanted this baby desperately. I’m only eight weeks along, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up. Or Evan’s…                

Wednesday 12/10/97 PM

I’m 13 weeks along now, and we’re starting to relax. I told Mom this week, and she’s very happy for us. She wanted to know when I’ll tell Emma.

Soon, I think. I have this wonderful idea, but I’m afraid to ask her. What if we had a baby shower together? I’m only a couple of months behind her. If we plan it far enough ahead maybe Mom and I could fly down.

She has to say yes!                

Tuesday 1/6/98 PM

I felt the baby move today! I had been concerned that I didn’t feel it sooner. I sort of had it in my head that I’d feel something on Christmas day. Every chance I got, I’d lie on the couch, perfectly still, waiting for a flutter. Of course, I felt nothing.

But the moment came when I was least expecting it. It was silent reading time, and the classroom was blissfully quiet while I focused on The Giver. Suddenly I felt the faintest stirring, like a butterfly beating its wings against a net, and then there was a little bump, so soft I almost thought I’d imagined it. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and caress my belly.

Javier was supposed to be reading but wasn’t (he never does). When I opened my eyes he was staring at me, and I felt my face turning red.

“Miss, are you pregnant?” he said.

“Shh!” I hissed, but the whole class burst into excited laughter and questions. Funny, third period is my toughest class, and I didn’t even think they liked me, but they were so happy for me.

Word got out immediately, and we didn’t get much done in any of the rest of my classes.

Thursday 12/8/98 PM

I still haven’t called Emma. I’ve picked up the phone twice, but I couldn’t dial. I just want to hold onto the fantasy of our joint shower a little longer. I’m going to do it, though. I want to share my excitement, and her excitement. Tomorrow for sure. 

Saturday 1/10/98 AM

I never called Emma. Yesterday morning I started cramping at school. I came straight home and got off my feet, but by afternoon I was bleeding heavily. Evan rushed home and took me to the hospital, but there was nothing they could do. It was a perfect baby boy.

Why?? God, do you hate me? Am I being punished for not wanting my first baby? What more do you want from me?

Unable to read any more, Emma set the journal on the nightstand and flipped off the light. Why had Rachel been allowed those weeks of joy only to have her heart broken?

She laid her hand on Joe’s back, but he didn’t stir, and there was no break in his steady breathing. She rolled onto her side, pressing her back against his, and willed sleep to come.

Her thoughts tormented her for hours. Why hadn’t she been a friend to Rachel? When she should have been offering comfort, she was oblivious—all because Rachel had been afraid to talk to her own sister. Meanwhile, she’d been home alone, taking her beautiful house and her healthy baby for granted. And she’d been too busy resenting her husband to enjoy anticipating her future.

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