Chapter 22

To Emma’s surprise, Andrew didn’t put up a fight over going to church. She figured he was probably happy to be getting out after being confined to the house all weekend due to his grounding. She felt the same way.

But when Aubrey honked the horn out front, Emma had an attack of nerves. Unable to craft a suitable excuse to back out, she knotted her purple scarf, slid into her gray suede pumps, and went to the kitchen to prod Andrew again. 

“Didn’t I just tell you to put on your shoes? She’s here! Come on.”

They walked through the front door just as Aubrey knocked on it. She gave Emma a quick hug and then held out her hand to Andrew. “I’m so glad to meet you, Andrew.”

It took him a moment to understand her intention, but then he extended the wrong hand. Aubrey clasped his hand awkwardly and gave it a quick shake before leading them to her car.

“Hi,” Andrew mumbled, his face flushed. He wiped his hands on his khaki pants and dove into the backseat.

He wasn’t the only one blushing. Taking in Aubrey’s blue jeans and beaded flip flops, Emma hesitated at the car door. “I’m totally overdressed, aren’t I? Can you wait while I change?”

“Mom,” Andrew hissed, his eyes darting back and forth between her and Aubrey.

Aubrey smiled at him, but that only added to his embarrassment. She turned her gaze to Emma. “There’s no time to…. I mean, you look great, Emma. People wear whatever they want at my church.”

***

Nothing about the church matched Emma’s expectations. For one thing, the building was a converted warehouse with exposed metal rafters and a cement floor. Instead of padded pews, there were about ten rows of plastic folding chairs. There was no organ, only a small drum set and an electronic keyboard.

Worst of all, the congregation was so small—maybe 75 people—that there was no way she could blend into the crowd. A quick glance told her she was the only woman in a skirt and heels.

“I am too overdressed,” she whispered as they slid into the back row.

“Relax. No one will notice,” Aubrey said before she joined in the singing, making any further argument impossible.

Emma was sure everyone’s eyes were on her as she struggled to keep up with all the sitting and standing. Clapping felt awkward, but it was even more embarrassing to be the only one standing still. She felt so out of place that she actually thought about walking home, but then she remembered that they’d dropped Andrew off at Sunday school in the building next door.

The music went on for nearly an hour, and her stomach was starting to growl by the time the pastor stepped up to the microphone. I hope he gets this over with fast, she thought.

But she soon forgot her hunger pangs and her too-fancy clothes.

“Please turn to Romans 8:28.” The riffling of pages filled the expectant silence. 

Aubrey held out her Bible between them, gliding her finger under the words as he read.

“And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew…”

Emma squinted at the page. Why did that verse sound so familiar? She must have heard it somewhere, surely in Rachel’s journal. She mentally reviewed everything she’d read, but she couldn’t recall any reference to that scripture. With a tiny shrug, she turned her focus back to the minister.

“…to talk about the ‘all things’ today. I’m sure some of you must be going through ‘all things’ right now, and maybe you don’t understand what’s happening to you.”

Pastor Nathan looked right at her as he continued. “Maybe you’ve lost a loved one, or maybe your marriage is in trouble. Are you wondering, ‘Where is God? Why did He allow this to happen to me?’ Are you even thinking that maybe God doesn’t love you?”

Emma let out her breath when his gaze moved on to another listener, but she couldn’t shake off her shock. How could he know what was going on in her life, and even understand her heartache?

She sat perfectly still in her hard plastic chair, anxious for the answers to all the questions he’d raised.

He said it was okay to be angry with God, as long as you didn’t stay there. “If you put your trust in God, I believe you’ll understand one day why God allowed hardships. Hear me, now. I’m not saying God will take the hard times away, just that he’ll use those struggles to work out his perfect plan for you. As verse 37 promises, you’ll be more than a conqueror through Jesus, who loves you.”

A lot of good that love did for Rachel and Evan. Emma’s mouth hardened into a thin line.

“If you’ll allow your pain to turn you toward God, you’ll find that nothing can separate you from Jesus’s love: not trouble, not hardship, not even death. Others will fail you; you can count on that. But Jesus will never stop loving you.”

***

“Think you’ll come again?” Aubrey asked as the three of them sat down for lunch at Emma’s favorite hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. It was their first chance to talk after the service because Andrew had spent the entire drive raving over the church’s youth program; the leader for the middle school group was his favorite teacher from third grade.

Emma stirred her tortilla soup, breaking up the glob of melted cheese that had settled to the bottom. Without looking up, she finally answered. “I’m not sure I belong in church. I mean, what the pastor said about Jesus loving us was nice, but what about the people God isn’t calling?”

“Emma?” Aubrey waited quietly for her to look up. When Emma made eye contact, she asked, “What kind of a person belongs in church? What kind of a person do you think God calls?”

“A good person?” Andrew asked eagerly.

“None of us can be that good,” Aubrey answered, still looking at Emma.

Emma shrugged. “A person like Rachel, I guess. Rachel was always praying, and she thought God answered her. I’m not like her. I’ve pushed away everyone I care about. So why would God listen to my prayers?”

“What have you prayed for, Mom?”

“Well, I prayed for…” Her eyebrows rose at a flash of recognition. “…a friend.”

Aubrey leaned forward in her chair, her forgotten taco dripping orange grease onto the table. “When did you pray that?”

Emma stared up at the cracked ceiling as she thought. “I guess it was the night before that Pilates class, the time we went out for ice cream after.” But that was just a coincidence. Wasn’t it?

Aubrey slapped the table with her free palm. “I knew it!”

“Knew what?” Andrew asked.

“I knew God was talking to me that day. I would have told you about this sooner, Emma, but I was afraid you’d think I was crazy.”

Emma laughed nervously. “You are a little crazy. But what did God tell you?”

“I’d noticed you’d been out for a while, and when you came back I saw that you weren’t as… put together as usual.”

“You mean you noticed my wrinkled clothes and my greasy hair?”

“It wasn’t that bad. But yes, I did see a big difference. I was sure there was something wrong, and I knew I had to talk to you. But I argued with myself because I’d never spoken to you before and…”

“And what?” Emma had an idea what was coming, and she fought to suppress a grin.

“To be honest, I thought you looked a little stuck up.”

Emma laughed, and Aubrey eyed her warily before joining in. Andrew looked back and forth between them. “What’s so funny?”

“What is so funny?” Aubrey echoed.

“Guess what I used to call you in my head?... Little Miss Perfect. Talk about put together! I’ve never seen you with a hair out of place.”

“See? It had to be God. Neither one of us would have ever made the first move. Anyway, I deliberated all through class about speaking to you. I didn’t exactly hear an audible voice, but I knew God was nudging me.”

“What did you do?” Andrew asked.

“I made up my mind to say hi after class. But then your mom darted out the instant class was over.” Aubrey wiped the back of her hand across her forehead. “Whew! I was off the hook.”

“But then you found me on the treadmill.”

“Yes. I tried to walk on by, but I felt compelled to go to you. My heart was fluttering like a moth’s wings. So I climbed on the treadmill next to you, even though I despise treadmills.”

“So do I,” Emma said. “I just didn’t want to leave the gym that day.” Maybe it was more than a coincidence.

Aubrey touched Emma’s hand. “God does love you, Emma. He is calling you.”

***

The conversation with Aubrey left Emma with a deep longing she didn’t understand, a loneliness that had nothing to do with Rachel or Joe. She felt empty, utterly alone. Her depression lingered all through the next day, an endless day that was wretched even for a Monday. No matter how busy she made herself, she couldn’t distract herself from her sadness. Even though she was finally making headway and catching up from her long absence, everything she did seemed pointless.

Curled on her side in bed that evening, she tried to read the latest journal, but Rachel’s peace and contentment made her own life feel even more meaningless. She closed the journal and clutched it to her chest as fresh grief took her breath away. She closed her eyes and remembered Rachel’s arms entwined around her after their father’s death. “What should I do, Rachel?” she whispered.

Aubrey’s words came to her then, though the voice in her head was Rachel’s. “God loves you, Emma. He’s calling you.”

She pushed herself up. “Where are you, God? I don’t know how to find you.” 

The Bible.

“I don’t even have a Bible,” she said, but then she remembered the pretty pink Bible Aunt Karen had given her on her 13th birthday. Was it still gathering dust on the bookshelf?

She crept past Andrew’s room, pausing by his open door to listen to his even breathing. Responding to an urgency that made no sense, she hurried on down the stairs to the living room.

She found the Bible on the bottom shelf, tucked between two novels she’d never read—probably gifts from Rachel. She wiped the dust off on her night shirt and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of a lamp that cast a warm glow on the crisp white pages.

The inscription inside the front cover raised goose bumps on her arms: “Dearest Emma, I pray you find all you’re searching for within these pages. Much love, Aunt Karen.”

Again she felt an urgency, but she had no idea where to begin. “What are you trying to tell me, God?” she asked aloud. “Help me find you.”

She heard no answer, so she flipped in the Bible to about the middle. It fell open at Psalm 139. Oh yes, I know the Psalms. The Lord is my shepherd.

She started to flip back to Psalm 23, but stopped when the first verse of Psalm 139 caught her eye.

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me…

Do you really know me, God? Do you care enough to search for me?

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

As Emma read on, her heart felt lighter with each phrase. Could it be that God really was right here with her? That there was nowhere she could go to flee from God’s Spirit?

At verse 13, tears began to roll down her cheeks.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

“I’m not alone, am I?” She closed her eyes and imagined God’s very hands knitting her together, just as Rachel’s hands had crafted Andrew's baby blanket for her. A love she’d never imagined settled over her—a love with no fear of rejection, with no conditions.

“Okay, God. I believe you love me. I don’t know why, but you do. But what do I do next?”

She squeezed her eyes shut and concentrated, but the only thing that came to mind was her pillow-top mattress. A delicious exhaustion fell over her. “I have to sleep now, God. But I don’t want to leave you here.”

When I awake, I’m still with you.

The thought caught her by surprise, as if it were not her own. She glanced down at the page, where her finger still marked the spot. There were the words in verse 18. When she’d first read the verse, it hadn’t touched her as it did now.

“So you’ll be here…” A yawn interrupted her, and she stretched so hard her back popped. “…in the morning? You will, won’t you?”

She gathered up the Bible, flipped off the lamp, and stumbled up the stairs to her bed.

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